my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*