[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.