At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest