I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.