[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Why you watching this shit?”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?