I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.