How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Okay me first
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.