Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My safe word is Worcestershire
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Wise advice
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.