facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.