*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.