History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Perfection.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier