Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.