if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Twitter remains undefeated
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?