“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
You better watch out
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I hope this email punches you square in the face
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying