When ur friends with white people
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If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination