God has abandoned us.
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
May never get over this
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?