Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Living the best life.. 😊
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape