Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You Might Also Like
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*gets down on one knee*
The Assassin.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter