Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
LMAO
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
mom gave me mine for free
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.