It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!