I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Is this a threat?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The three genders
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Dead sexy!!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬