If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
At least try to make it slightly believable
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood