[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
You Might Also Like
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones