It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My last name is Zilla.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My plans: 2020:
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
That’s incredible! 👌
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE