Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits