Stop being racist to kettles.
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Based Erika
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit