Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Thursday
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.