*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”