Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Traveler’s camo