I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no