*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
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People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing