It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣