Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.