“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
let’s discuss
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Catercrombie & Fish
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!