I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.