[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
But is it really??
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”