If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster