Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.