It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Venn
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”