If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
guys i’ve cracked the code
A Short Story.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.