some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
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priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Found my door mat
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”