oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.