I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Fat chances are my favorite chances