My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.