Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Hmmmmm
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.