my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised