A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
😜
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.