Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?