me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
More like Kate Missington.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that