Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
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If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this